GELATINI APPOINTMENT, VOLUME PRESENT PROBLEMS FOR DOPE
Washington, DC. 6/1/18. After just a few days as head, the Department of Prevarication Explanation’s (DOPE), Mitch O’Rourke summoned the press to a review of progress and problems at the Drumpf Administration’s newest and most ballyhooed department.
O’Rourke, whose new position also comes with a cabinet post, explained that despite the DOPE’s critical mission—explaining the real truth to the American people— progress has been difficult to impossible
“We have two major obstacles,” O’Rourke suggested. “First, is the sheer volume of conflicting truths, a volume that is growing instead of declining. The second is the arrival of Mr. Gelatini as the President’s lead spokesman. I’ll take each of these individually.
“First,” he continued, “No one foresaw the enormous challenge of this position. Just yesterday, the Washington Most, reported that the President’s prevarications, known to us here at the DOPE as alternative truths, had reached over 3000 since he took office just 16 months ago. No one person can keep track of all this.”
Jim NoCosta of CNT, a particular favorite of the administration interrupted to ask, “You people have been accusing the Most of publishing fake news for over a year, and now you’re quoting their statistics as real?”
“Virtually everything else in the Most is fake,” O’Rourke parried, “but I think they got it right on this one.”
“My plan is to break the department up into major divisions,” O’Rourke said. “We need division heads and truth trackers for immigration, elections, the Russia collusion Witch Hunt and the tax cut to name just a few. Also, it is likely that we’ll need a division each dedicated to two individuals, James Gomey and Stormy Day, as well. Until the two of them stop telling the truth, we’ll have real trouble keeping up with alternatives.”
The appointment of Tito Gelatini, as the President’s top lawyer and apparent spokesman has further complicated matters for the DOPE according to O’Rourke.
“As former mayor of Secaucus, you’d think he’d be more accomplished in managing contradictory truths,” O’Rourke said, “but that’s just not the case. We’d just established that the President knew nothing about payments to Stormy Day—indeed that he didn’t know who Stormy Day was—when Gelatini admitted that the President did, in fact, make hush money payments to her himself through his lawyer.”
“It looks to us at DOPE like all he knows how to do is blurt out the truth as he did on our propaganda channel, FUTZ TV, a few night’s ago. The guy’s a loose cannon. With all that simple, straight truth he makes my job impossible. We may have to appoint a head of the Day division just to keep him under control,” he concluded.
All this comes at a time when far less important departments and agencies like State, the VA, EPA and more, all with major management positions vacant, have been reported to be virtually dysfunctional. Still O’ Rourke insisted that he must have additional staff to man the DOPE effectively given the sheer volume of conflicting truth.
“This sounds like the administration is growing the bureaucracy—filling the swamp, as it were, instead of draining it as promised. Does this put your job in jeopardy?” Nacosta asked.
“Everyone’s job is always in jeopardy except the one that should be,” O’Rourke answered. “Everybody knows that around here. But it’s likely I won’t be removed until I get really good at it. I certainly don’t have to worry about Gelatini. The guy is too limited to deliver the kind of daily equivocation required by his job. He’s just in over his head.”